The Conversation Every Parent of a Senior Needs to Have Before They Leave

High School Development  ·  Ages 15 to 18

The Conversation Every Parent of a Senior Needs to Have Before They Leave

What to say, what not to say, and what your teenager needs to hear before the launch that will stay with them long after it

By Dr. Erica Buchholz, PhD  ·  Becoming Playful

Key Points

• There are things most parents mean to say before the launch that they never quite get around to saying.
• The conversations that matter most before a teenager leaves home are simple, specific, and genuine rather than comprehensive or formal.
• What teenagers carry with them after the launch is not primarily advice. It is the feeling of being genuinely known and unconditionally loved.
• The conversation worth having is less about what is ahead and more about who they are now and what they mean to you.
• Whatever the state of the relationship entering the launch, saying the things that matter is always worth doing.

They Are About to Leave and There Are Things You Mean to Say

Maybe you know exactly what they are. Maybe you have been meaning to have certain conversations for months and the right moment never arrived. Maybe you are not sure what you want to say and only know that there is something, some version of what this has all meant, that has not been said yet and that the launch is approaching and the window is getting smaller.

The conversations worth having before your teenager leaves home are not as complicated as they feel. They are simple, genuine, and specific. And they are worth having, however the relationship has been, however close or distant the high school years, whatever has been said or left unsaid.

What Teenagers Carry With Them After the Launch

Research on what young adults report carrying from the launch into their adult lives is consistent on several points. They carry the internal voice built from what parents said most consistently in ordinary moments. They carry a felt sense of whether they are fundamentally okay and loved, built from the texture of the relationship over years. And they carry specific moments, often ones the parent would not have identified as significant, where someone was fully present with them in a way that communicated something about their worth (Steinberg, 2001).

What They Do Not Primarily CarryResearch on retrospective accounts of launching consistently finds that what young adults carry most powerfully from their pre-launch relationship is almost never advice, warnings, or informational preparation. It is feeling known, feeling loved without condition, and the experience of a parent who was genuinely glad to be their parent. The advice is useful. It is rarely what is remembered. The feeling is what travels (Arnett, 2000).

The conversations that produce that feeling are not the comprehensive preparation talks. They are the ones where the parent stops managing and performing and simply speaks honestly about what this person means to them, what they have watched, what they are proud of, and what they are carrying into the launch alongside the teenager. These are usually simple sentences. They are rarely said as clearly as they could be.

The conversation worth having before they leave is not primarily about what is ahead. It is about who they are now, what you have witnessed, and what it has meant to be their parent. Say that. Say it clearly. Say it before they go.

What to Actually Say

Several categories of conversation are consistently worth having before the launch, said simply and genuinely rather than as a speech. What you love about who they are, specifically, not their achievements but the specific qualities you have observed in this particular person over the years. What you are proud of, again specifically, and including things they might not know you noticed. What you hope for them, framed around their happiness and flourishing rather than around specific outcomes. And the open door: stated clearly, that no matter what happens, no matter how far away they are or how long between calls, the door is always open and nothing would close it.

The other category worth including: acknowledgment of any outstanding difficulty in the relationship. Not as a confession or an extended apology, but as honest acknowledgment that you know things were not always easy, that you made mistakes, that you hope they are carrying both the good and the difficult honestly. A parent who acknowledges the whole of the relationship is more trustworthy than one who only celebrates it.

The Practical Conversations Worth Having TooAlongside the emotional ones: be explicit about what the relationship will look like from a distance, what kind of contact feels right to both of you. Be honest about finances, what the family can and cannot support. Make sure they know the practical emergency contacts and resources. And make sure they know the safe call applies from anywhere, that you will come or find help regardless of where they are or what has happened. The practical and the emotional both matter. Neither replaces the other.

Action Steps

1Say what you love about who they are, specifically.

Not their accomplishments. The specific qualities of this particular person that you have been watching develop over the years. Name them clearly. This is the internal voice they will carry with them.

2Tell them what you are proud of, including what they might not know you noticed.

The specific moments of character or courage or kindness that you witnessed and may not have said anything about at the time. They do not know what you noticed. Telling them now is one of the most valuable gifts available before the launch.

3Say the open-door message clearly and simply.

"There is nothing you could call me about that would make me not want to help. There is no distance, no silence, no mistake that closes this door." Said clearly. Not in a speech. Just said.

4Acknowledge the whole of the relationship honestly.

"I know things were not always easy between us and I know I made mistakes. I am glad for all of it, including the hard parts, because it got us here." The honest acknowledgment of the full relationship is more trustworthy than the celebration of only the good parts.

5Let them see your genuine excitement for what is ahead for them.

Alongside the sadness and the love, let them see that you are genuinely excited for who they are becoming and what is ahead. The teenager who launches without guilt, who knows their parent is happy for them even as they miss them, launches differently than one who carries the weight of a parent's grief alongside everything else.

Summary

The conversations worth having before a teenager leaves home are simple, specific, and genuine rather than comprehensive or formal. What teenagers carry after the launch is the felt sense of being genuinely known and unconditionally loved, built from ordinary moments and specific honest exchanges. Saying what you love about who they are, what you noticed and are proud of, the open-door message clearly and simply, honest acknowledgment of the full relationship including its difficulty, and genuine visible excitement for what is ahead for them are the specific conversations worth having before the window closes. Whatever the state of the relationship, these conversations are always worth having. Say them before they go.

Frequently Asked Questions

I have things I need to apologize for before they leave. How do I do that?

Simply and directly, without extended processing: 'There are some things from these years that I am sorry about. I want to name them.' Then name them specifically, briefly, and without requiring a response. The apology is for them, not for your own relief, which means the brevity and the lack of required reciprocity are part of what makes it a genuine gift.

My teenager does not want to have these conversations. What do I do?

Find the side door. A note left in their room. A text sent when you are not in the same space. A brief moment in the car that does not announce itself as a significant conversation. The content is more important than the format, and the format that is receivable matters more than the format you prefer.

I am too emotional to have these conversations without falling apart. What do I do?

Let them see some of the emotion while managing the rest. A parent who cries briefly and continues is modeling something real and honest about what the launch means. A parent who is so flooded that the teenager ends up managing them is a different situation. Doing some of the emotional processing beforehand, with your own support, allows you to be present for the conversation itself.

We have had a difficult high school relationship. Should I still try to have these conversations?

Yes. The honest acknowledgment of the difficulty alongside the genuine love and the open door is often more received by a teenager who has had a hard relationship with a parent than the pretense that it was easy. The difficulty does not disqualify the genuine love. Say both.

What if I run out of time?

Write it down and give it to them. The letter or the note that says what you meant to say in person is not a lesser version. For many people it is more honest and more careful than the spoken version would have been. Say it some way. Do not leave it unsaid.

Sources

Steinberg, L. (2001). We know some things: Parent-adolescent relationships in retrospect and prospect. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 11(1), 1-19.

Arnett, J. J. (2000). Emerging adulthood: A theory of development from the late teens through the twenties. American Psychologist, 55(5), 469-480.

Siegel, D. J. (2013). Brainstorm: The power and purpose of the teenage brain. Tarcher/Penguin.

If you want support preparing for the launch in a way that honors what this relationship has been and what you hope it will become, Dr. Erica works with parents one-on-one. Visit becomingplayful.com.

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