What to Do When Your Child Is Being Bullied or Is the One Doing the Bullying

Middle School Development  ·  Ages 12 to 14

What to Do When Your Child Is Being Bullied or Is the One Doing the Bullying

Two of the hardest middle school conversations a parent can have, and the responses that actually help in both situations

By Dr. Erica Buchholz, PhD  ·  Becoming Playful

Key Points

• Bullying is defined by a power imbalance that is consistent and repeated over time, which distinguishes it from ordinary social conflict.
• Children who are being bullied need to feel believed, supported, and accompanied, not advised to fix it themselves.
• Children who are doing the bullying need parents who can hold both accountability and curiosity about what is driving the behavior.
• Both situations require adult involvement, and the school is the right starting point for both.
• How parents respond to both situations shapes the child's understanding of power, accountability, and how adults respond to harm.

Two Conversations Nobody Wants to Have

The first is the one where your child tells you, or you figure out, that they are being targeted. That someone, or a group, has been making their school life significantly worse in a way that has been going on for long enough that your child has been carrying it alone before telling you. The weight of that, and the urgency of what to do next, is significant.

The second is harder in a different way. Your child's teacher contacts you, or another parent reaches out, or you find something that makes it clear that your child has been part of doing this to someone else. That your child is the one someone else is carrying.

Both situations require clear-eyed, specific responses. Neither is served by either minimizing or catastrophizing. Here is what the research and practice support for each.

When Your Child Is Being Bullied

The most important first response when a child discloses bullying is to believe them and to make that belief visible. Research on help-seeking in adolescents who are being bullied finds that the most common reason for not disclosing is the fear of not being believed, or of being told to handle it themselves. The child who tells a parent about bullying is taking a significant risk and needs the disclosure to land in a way that makes it worth having taken (Espelage and Swearer, 2003).

What Children Who Are Being Bullied Need MostResearch on effective parental response to child bullying identifies several consistent elements. They need to feel believed and to know the parent takes it seriously. They need to feel accompanied, that someone is with them in it, rather than advised to manage it independently. They need a parent who will engage the school on their behalf without escalating in ways that make the social situation worse. And they need their own agency respected: asking what would help rather than assuming, and involving the child in decisions about how to respond (Espelage and Swearer, 2003).

School involvement is appropriate and necessary when bullying meets the threshold of persistent, targeted, and involving a power imbalance. Document the incidents specifically before contacting the school: dates, what happened, who was involved, and any witnesses. Request a meeting with the school counselor and the relevant administrator. Know that schools have legal obligations regarding bullying and that persistence is sometimes required when the first response is insufficient.

When Your Child Is the One Doing the Bullying

The parental response to learning that your child is bullying someone is one of the most important parenting moments of middle school. Two common responses that are understandable but counterproductive: immediate punishment without curiosity, which addresses behavior without addressing cause and rarely changes the pattern; and denial or minimization, which communicates to your child that the harm they are causing does not matter enough to take seriously.

Accountability and Curiosity TogetherThe most effective parental response holds both accountability and genuine curiosity about what is driving the behavior. "What you did caused real harm to another person and that is not acceptable. I also want to understand what is going on with you that led to this." Children who bully are almost always navigating something, social anxiety, a need for status or control, their own experience of victimization, insecurity, that the bullying behavior is attempting to manage. Addressing the behavior without the underlying dynamic produces limited change. Addressing both produces more (Espelage and Swearer, 2003).

Both situations, the child who is targeted and the child who is doing the targeting, need a parent who stays present rather than turning away. The turning away, in either direction, is what leaves children most alone with the hardest things.

Action Steps

1If your child is being bullied: believe them visibly and immediately.

"I believe you. Thank you for telling me. We are going to figure out what to do together." This is the first response. Before any advice, any questions about what they did to provoke it, any minimizing. Believe first.

2If your child is being bullied: document and involve the school.

Specific documentation, dates, incidents, witnesses, followed by a formal request for a meeting with the school counselor and administrator. Schools have obligations here and persistence is sometimes required. You are their advocate.

3If your child is doing the bullying: hold accountability and curiosity simultaneously.

"What you did caused real harm. That is not acceptable. I also want to understand what is going on with you." Not one or the other. Both. The accountability is non-negotiable. The curiosity is what produces change.

4If your child is doing the bullying: involve the school and take it seriously.

Contact the school proactively. Cooperate with their process. Communicate clearly to your child that bullying behavior has real consequences that you will support rather than minimize. This communicates something important about accountability.

5Consider professional support for both situations.

A child who is being persistently bullied often benefits from therapeutic support for the impact. A child who is bullying others often benefits from support addressing the underlying dynamic. Both situations carry enough emotional weight that professional support is worth considering.

Summary

When a child is being bullied, they need to be believed visibly and immediately, accompanied rather than advised to manage it themselves, and represented by a parent who engages the school with specific documentation and appropriate persistence. When a child is doing the bullying, they need a parent who holds both accountability and genuine curiosity about what is driving the behavior, who engages the school rather than minimizing, and who communicates that the harm caused matters. Both situations are significant. Both require adult presence. Both are made worse by turning away.

Frequently Asked Questions

My child says it is not really bullying and I should not get involved. What do I do?

Assess the situation based on the pattern, not only on your child's request. If what you are hearing meets the threshold of persistent, targeted, and involving a power imbalance, that warrants your involvement regardless of your child's preference. Their discomfort about your involvement is understandable and does not change what the situation requires.

The school says they investigated and did not find evidence of bullying. What do I do?

Document everything specifically and continue to follow up. If the school's response is insufficient and the bullying continues, escalate to the district level. Know your parental rights. In cases involving online bullying with clear evidence, law enforcement may also be an appropriate contact.

My child who was being bullied is now bullying someone else. What does that mean?

This is a documented pattern and not as uncommon as it might seem. Children who have been victimized sometimes adopt bullying behavior as a way of establishing control or processing their own experience. Both the victimization history and the current behavior need attention. A therapist who works with adolescents is particularly useful in this situation.

My child swears the bullying is not affecting them. Should I believe that?

Children who appear unbothered by bullying are sometimes genuinely resilient, and some children genuinely process social difficulty without significant impact. They are also sometimes concealing distress to avoid making the situation bigger than they feel they can manage. Staying available, checking in regularly, and watching behavioral signals over time is the appropriate approach.

How do I talk to my child who is bullying about empathy?

Not as a lecture and not in the immediate aftermath of the incident when emotions are high. In a calm moment, after accountability has been established, a genuine conversation about the other person's experience, 'what do you think it was like for them?', followed by genuine listening, builds the empathic capacity more effectively than a lecture about why bullying is wrong.

Sources

Espelage, D. L., and Swearer, S. M. (2003). Research on school bullying and victimization. School Psychology Review, 32(3), 365-383.

StopBullying.gov. How to respond to bullying. stopbullying.gov

Child Mind Institute. What to do if your child is being bullied. childmind.org

If your family is navigating a bullying situation and you want support thinking through how to respond, Dr. Erica works with parents of middle schoolers one-on-one. Visit becomingplayful.com.

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