What to Do When Your Child Says You Are Embarrassing

Upper Elementary Development  ·  Ages 9 to 11

What to Do When Your Child Says You Are Embarrassing

Why the parent-as-embarrassment phase is a sign of healthy development, and how to navigate it without damaging the relationship

By Dr. Erica Buchholz, PhD  ·  Becoming Playful

Key Points

• The parent-as-embarrassment phase is a universal and developmentally healthy feature of late childhood.
• When your child says you are embarrassing, they are telling you something about their developing identity, not about you as a person.
• How parents respond to this phase shapes the relationship and the child's confidence far more than the content of any particular embarrassing moment.
• The instinct to push back or take it personally makes this phase harder than it needs to be.
• Parents who navigate this with warmth and a degree of humor maintain connection through a phase that is difficult to live inside.

You Said Hi to Their Friend

Or you were wearing your old running shoes in public. Or you used their childhood nickname within earshot of someone from school. Or you were too cheerful in the drop-off line. Or you hugged them. Whatever the specifics, the effect is the same: a look, or a whispered "oh my god," or the explicit "you are so embarrassing" that lands with a precision that can be hard to shake.

The parent-as-embarrassment phase is one of the most universal and most personally stinging features of parenting a nine to eleven year old. It is also, understood correctly, one of the clearest signs that development is proceeding as it should.

What the Embarrassment Is Actually About

Between nine and eleven, children are in the process of constructing a public identity, a sense of how they are seen by their peers, that is distinct from and increasingly important to them relative to their family identity. The parent who is visible in that public space, who acts in ways that do not conform to the peer norms the child is carefully navigating, represents a genuine threat to the image the child is trying to maintain (Steinberg, 2001).

The Psychology of Public Identity at This AgeResearch on social identity development in late childhood shows that children at this age are highly sensitive to what social psychologists call social evaluation anxiety: concern about how they are perceived by peers. The parent who calls attention to themselves in peer-visible contexts triggers this anxiety because the child has not yet fully separated their own identity from the family identity. Being seen with an embarrassing parent feels, to the child, like an exposure of something about themselves, not just about you. Understanding this makes the reaction considerably less personal (Steinberg and Silk, 2002).

The embarrassment phase is also self-limiting. Research on adolescent development consistently finds that the intensity of parental embarrassment peaks in early adolescence and then gradually moderates as identity becomes more secure and less dependent on what peers think. The child who is most embarrassed by you at ten is often the child who is warmly connected to you again at seventeen. The phase passes. What matters is how the relationship is held through it.

When your child says you are embarrassing, they are telling you that their public identity is under construction and you are a variable they cannot control. That is about their development, not your worth.

What Helps and What Does Not

Several common responses to the embarrassment phase tend to make it harder. Taking it personally and responding with hurt communicates that the child's developmental need to separate has successfully wounded you, which increases guilt and can make the child less willing to be honest about their social world with you. Pushing back with "I will embarrass you if I want to" or making a point of being publicly affectionate in response to the request for distance, treats the developmental need as a provocation rather than information.

What helps is a combination of genuine flexibility about the contexts where you are most visible to peers, warmth about the phase itself, and the maintenance of the private relationship that the public presentation does not eliminate. A parent who can say "I get it, I will hang back at the game" while also maintaining genuine closeness at home is modeling both respect for autonomy and the durability of the relationship.

The Light TouchSome families navigate this phase with a degree of humor that keeps everyone from taking it too seriously. "I know, I am extremely embarrassing, it is one of my better qualities" said warmly and without sting, models the self-assurance your child is working to develop and takes the heat out of the moment. The parents who respond with genuine, non-defensive warmth generally come through this phase with the relationship intact and often report their children laughing about it later.

Action Steps

1Give your child reasonable public space around peers.

Not doing the drop-off hug in front of the entire team. Not calling attention to yourself in peer-visible contexts. Not using childhood nicknames within earshot of friends. These are small adjustments that cost you very little and matter a great deal to your child's social confidence.

2Do not take it personally, at least not visibly.

The embarrassment is about identity, not about you. Responding with visible hurt teaches your child that their developmental needs injure you, which adds guilt and reduces honesty. Process your own feelings privately and hold the warm face in the interaction.

3Maintain the private relationship regardless of the public presentation.

The private relationship, at home, one-on-one, is largely unaffected by the public embarrassment dynamic. Protect it. The warmth and connection that happens away from peer eyes is the foundation that makes the phase survivable for both of you.

4Use warmth and humor where it fits.

"I know, deeply embarrassing, I have made my peace with it" said with genuine good humor keeps the moment light. Children at this age respond well to parents who are secure enough in themselves not to be undone by the developmental task of being found embarrassing.

5Name what you notice without making it a problem.

"I notice you want more space around your friends and I think that makes sense at this age. Just so you know, I still expect basic courtesy from you even when you are embarrassed." This acknowledges the developmental reality and sets a clear limit simultaneously.

Summary

The parent-as-embarrassment phase is a developmentally healthy sign that your child is constructing a public identity that feels distinct from the family. It is about their development, not your worth. The responses that navigate it most effectively involve giving reasonable public space around peers, not taking it personally in the interaction even if you process your own feelings privately, maintaining the private relationship regardless of the public dynamic, and approaching the phase with enough warmth and equanimity that it does not become a source of relational damage. It passes. The relationship you maintain through it is what your child carries forward.

Frequently Asked Questions

How much public distance should I give my child?

Enough that they do not experience your presence as a social liability, without disappearing from events that matter. Not initiating hugs in peer-visible settings, hanging back from their friend group rather than engaging it directly, and avoiding childhood nicknames or terms of endearment in public are the most common and most effective adjustments.

My child is embarrassed by things that are not actually embarrassing. How do I handle that?

The standard for embarrassment at this age is peer-referenced, not adult-referenced. Something that seems completely ordinary to you may feel genuinely exposing to a child whose peer identity is under construction. Taking their experience seriously rather than arguing about whether it is objectively embarrassing is usually more productive.

My child is embarrassed by a sibling. Is that different?

The same developmental dynamic applies, but sibling embarrassment often has additional complexity. Setting clear limits on how siblings treat each other while respecting the privacy concerns are both appropriate. The sibling does not have to disappear from the child's social world, but they should not be weaponized within it either.

How do I talk to my child about courtesy even when they are embarrassed?

Directly and without apology: 'I understand you want space around your friends. You still need to greet the adults who are present and be basic human courteous. Those two things can both be true.' The limit on basic courtesy holds regardless of the embarrassment.

Is embarrassment about me specifically or about parents in general?

Almost always parents in general. The embarrassment is about the parental role in peer-visible contexts, not about specific things you have done. Children at this age who report that their friend's parents are cooler or less embarrassing are expressing the same identity dynamic, not making a genuine comparative assessment.

Sources

Steinberg, L. (2001). We know some things: Parent-adolescent relationships in retrospect and prospect. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 11(1), 1-19.

Steinberg, L., and Silk, J. S. (2002). Parenting adolescents. In M. H. Bornstein (Ed.), Handbook of parenting, Vol. 1. Erlbaum.

Child Mind Institute. Understanding the preteen years. childmind.org

If the shift in your relationship with your child feels like more than the embarrassment phase and you want support navigating it, Dr. Erica works with parents of children in this age range one-on-one. Visit becomingplayful.com.

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