Why Your Teenager Tells Their Friends Things They Will Not Tell You

High School Development  ·  Ages 15 to 18

Why Your Teenager Tells Their Friends Things They Will Not Tell You

The developmental science behind what gets shared with peers versus parents in high school, and how to remain a relevant voice in your teenager's life

By Dr. Erica Buchholz, PhD  ·  Becoming Playful

Key Points

• The preferential sharing of teenagers with peers over parents is one of the most universal and most developmentally understandable features of adolescence.
• What peers provide and what parents provide in late adolescence are genuinely different, and the differential sharing reflects that difference.
• The parent who tries to compete with the peer relationship for this kind of sharing loses. The parent who maintains a distinct and genuine relationship wins.
• What makes parents relevant to teenagers is not being confided in about everything. It is being the relationship they turn to for the things peers cannot provide.
• The teenager who tells their friends things they will not tell you is also the teenager who will come to you with the things their friends cannot handle.

You Found Out From Someone Else

Or from something they posted, or from a casual comment that assumed you already knew, or from the parent of one of their friends who mentioned it as if it were general knowledge. Something significant happened in your teenager's life and you were not among the first people who knew. Maybe you were not even in the second wave. And you are sitting with the slightly deflating awareness that your teenager's friends know things about them that you do not.

This is nearly universal in high school and is considerably less about the quality of your relationship than it feels like. Understanding what is actually happening changes what is worth doing about it.

What Peers Provide That Parents Cannot

The peer relationship in late adolescence serves functions that the parent relationship cannot provide, and the teenager who is sharing with peers rather than parents is often using the relationships appropriately. Peers provide non-evaluative reception of developing identity, including the parts that are uncertain, inconsistent, or in conflict with the family. They provide feedback from people who do not have a stake in the outcome. They provide the experience of being known and accepted by people who chose the relationship rather than being born into it. And they provide reciprocity: the peer who shares back creates a relationship of genuine mutuality that the parent-teenager relationship, with its inherent power differential, cannot fully replicate (Erikson, 1950).

What the Research Shows About Peer Versus Parent SharingResearch on adolescent disclosure patterns consistently documents that the topics most preferentially shared with peers rather than parents in high school are: romantic and sexual experience, including feelings and questions; social dynamics including conflict and belonging; identity exploration including values, beliefs, and questions about who they are; and anything the teenager fears will produce parental alarm, disappointment, or management. These are not topics the teenager withholds from parents because the relationship is weak. They are topics the teenager takes to peers because the peer relationship is the developmentally appropriate venue for working through them (Smetana et al., 2009).

What parents provide that peers cannot: the unconditional regard that does not depend on the teenager being interesting or reciprocal; the perspective of someone who has navigated more of life; the practical resources, material and emotional, that friends do not have available; and the relationship that is there regardless of social fluctuation. The teenager who tells their friends about the romantic situation and tells the parent about the deeper fear underneath it is using both relationships well.

Your teenager does not tell you what they tell their friends because their friends are not the relationship they come to when something genuinely important happens. You are. The roles are different. Both matter.

How to Remain Relevant

The parent who tries to become the primary confidant, competing with the peer relationship for the disclosures that developmentally belong there, usually produces the opposite of the intended effect. The teenager who experiences a parent trying to be their best friend often responds by moving further away, because the developmental work of adolescence requires separation from the parent, and a parent who is trying to collapse that distance is working against the development.

What maintains genuine relevance is different: staying genuinely interested in who they are without requiring information about what they are doing. Being available for the things that peers cannot handle: a genuine crisis, a practical problem, a fear that is too big for a friend to hold. Maintaining warmth without interrogation after they have been with peers. And building the track record of non-reactive reception that makes the teenager willing to bring the bigger things when they arise.

The Conversations That Keep You in the PictureNot "what did you talk about with your friends?" but "how was last night?" Not "did anything happen?" but "you seem like you are in a good mood." The indirect, interested, non-interrogatory approach is the one that maintains genuine presence in their life without requiring information transfer as the currency of the relationship. Being curious about who they are rather than what they are doing is the distinction that keeps the door open.

Action Steps

1Stop competing with the peer relationship for this kind of sharing.

The differential sharing is developmentally appropriate. Trying to become the primary confidant produces the opposite of the intended effect. Accept the distinct function of the parent relationship and invest in that rather than competing for the peer relationship's function.

2Stay curious about who they are rather than what they are doing.

Interest in their thinking, their values, their experience of the world, rather than information about their activities, maintains genuine presence in their life without requiring disclosure as the currency of the relationship.

3Be reliably available for the things peers cannot handle.

Genuine crises. Practical problems. Fears that are too big for a friend to hold. The teenager who knows their parent is there for the things their friends cannot provide will use that relationship when those things arise. Building and maintaining that availability is the work.

4Welcome their friends genuinely and without interrogation.

A home where friends are genuinely welcome keeps your teenager's social world at least partially visible and keeps you adjacent to it without requiring your teenager to route around you to have it.

5Trust that the relationship is doing its job even when you are not informed.

The parent relationship's function in late adolescence is not primarily as a confidant. It is as the safe haven, the available resource, the unconditional regard that the peer world cannot provide. That function operates regardless of how much is disclosed. Trust that it is working even when you cannot see it working.

Summary

The differential sharing of teenagers with peers over parents in high school is developmentally appropriate and reflects the genuinely distinct functions of these two kinds of relationships. Peers provide non-evaluative reception of identity exploration and reciprocal sharing. Parents provide unconditional regard, practical resources, and the relationship that is there regardless of social fluctuation. The parent who tries to compete with the peer relationship loses. The parent who maintains a distinct and genuine relationship remains the resource the teenager turns to for the things peers cannot handle. Staying curious about who they are rather than what they are doing, being reliably available for genuine crises, and trusting that the relationship is doing its job even without extensive disclosure are the practices that maintain genuine relevance.

Frequently Asked Questions

My teenager tells their friends things that I think are mine to know. What do I do?

Name it directly, in a calm moment: 'I found out about [thing] from someone else and I want to tell you that I would have preferred to hear it from you. I am not angry. I want to understand why it felt easier to share that way.' The conversation opens the door without closing it with consequences.

I am worried my teenager is sharing things with friends that are being used against them. What do I do?

Trust your instinct and open the door gently: 'I want to check in about how things are with your friends. I have been noticing some things and I want to make sure you are okay.' Then listen. If there is something concerning in what you hear, the conversation about what to do follows from the listening.

My teenager shares with me but not their friends. Is that a concern?

A teenager whose primary confidant is a parent rather than peers may be showing social anxiety, social difficulty, or a peer social world that does not feel safe for authentic sharing. It is worth understanding specifically rather than simply accepting as a positive sign of closeness.

How do I find out what is going on in my teenager's life without interrogating them?

The side door approaches described throughout this series: being in the same space, sharing from your own life first, asking one specific and genuine question rather than a comprehensive check-in. Knowing their friends by name and genuine interest. Being available when they choose to share rather than pursuing what they do not offer.

My teenager is sharing things with their friends that indicate they need help. How do I handle it?

Name what you know directly and without blame for how you found out: 'I know about [thing] and I want to make sure you have support.' Address the underlying concern rather than the information pathway. Then seek appropriate professional support if the concern warrants it.

Sources

Smetana, J. G. et al. (2009). Early and middle adolescents' disclosure to parents about activities in different domains. Journal of Adolescence, 32(3), 693-713.

Erikson, E. H. (1950). Childhood and society. Norton.

Steinberg, L. (2001). We know some things: Parent-adolescent relationships in retrospect and prospect. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 11(1), 1-19.

If the relationship with your teenager feels distant in ways that concern you, Dr. Erica works with parents of high schoolers one-on-one. Visit becomingplayful.com.

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